3:31 am

Can't sleep. So i guess I'll try to get some stuff off my mind even though none of it will make sense... But... Craziest thing... I'm not ok about what happened 5 years ago. I'm not ok about how people reacted. I'm not ok with the quality of help I've received. Maybe instead of abandoning me like everyone else and throwing away a 15 year friendship you should've talked to me. Found out why. Told me i deserve better. Because you know what? That felt like more than i deserve. Its crazy. Have so much taken from you all at once and everyone leave/abandon you and then someone shows they care. You start to feel human again. Someone calms the nightmares and takes away the pain. The pain I've felt for years. I felt like i could get better. I finally had someone tell me that what happened wasn't my fault and hug me tight and not let go. He barely knew me but he made things ok. And then there was a connection and i hated the fact that he had a girlfriend. I didn't let things happen immediately. But i craved his attention. I felt so safe with him. Safety that i hadn't had in years. I hadSomeone caring for me. Someone who knew what happened. You never asked. You might've assumed. But you probably couldn't even imagine what it was like. And even if you assumed you were probably at most only part right... I wish i was only sexually assaulted. I wish he was here to protect me from the flashbacks and calm me. Girlfriend or not. I can't sleep bc i have no one protecting me from the flashbacks. Let me know when you've been trapped. Held against your will. Forced to lie to cops because your captor has taken your phone and has full control. But why would i be talking to the cops on the phone? Why would i have to lie to them? Because my car was stolen by someone close to my captor. And the car was totaled after high speed police chases. And btw, my debit card was stolen and my checking account drained... 5 years of struggling to deal with it for a while i had a safe place. Someone who didn't blame me or call me a liar or a drama queen or attention whore. I completely haute myself. Everything about myself. He made me feel ok. I felt human. I felt normal. I felt good about myself. And he's barely in my life anymore. And i hate myself again. I have flashbacks all the time and no one to calm me. No one else can handle me when i have them. Maybe you should've talked to me if you didn't like it. You have no idea how much I've been struggling. You have no idea about anything.